I will never grow these plants again
Sometimes it's good to let go of your houseplant-related rage, so here's my list of houseplants I will NEVER buy again - the 'spill the tea' edition. Feel free to disagree with me, and be as catty as you like: I'll post the best sick burns and hot takes here.
1. Goeppertia orbifolia
Aka nothing, because no one has bothered giving this one a common name because you will not have it long enough to think of one. Love orb-shaped leaves? You won't when they've crisped up like those chips you forgot about in the air fryer.
Alternative: If you MUST grow a one of this genus, Goeppertia kegeljanii (Calathea musaica/'Network' as was) is easier.
2. Hoya carnosa 'Compacta'
Aka rope plant. Or maybe that should be ropey plant? The mealy bugs will love you for getting this one. It's so full of nooks and crannies the mealies will be starting an invertebrate commune before you can say Dale Kloppenburg. Plus it looks like someone has put your Hoya through a mangle. Disturbing.
Alternative: Literally any other Hoya carnosa cultivar.
3. Philodendron 'Birkin'
The variegation on this plant is way too unstable: I don't need that kind of uncertainty. It's a sport of Philodendron 'Rojo Congo' and came from tissue culture: the pinstripe pattern will probably turn into white, plain green or red via subsequent leaves.
Alternative: Aglaonemas (Chinese evergreens) have better, more stable variegation and are more tolerant of lower light conditions.
4. Any type of musa
I love bananas. But banana plants in my home? I don't want to be tortured, thankyou. Don't waste your hard earned moolah on trying to grow this plant indoors: it's about as practical as a chocolate teapot - moreso if you shell out on a variegated one. See aso Strelitzia.
Alternative: A Kentia palm looks just as exotic and will last decades rather than a few brief tear-stained weeks.
This blogpost was taken from The Plant Ledger, my email newsletter about the houseplant scene. Subscribe here and get my free in-depth guide to fungus gnats.